It took awhile to get a seat on the bus this morning. Sometimes I luck out and get a seat in the back, but today we were packed like sardines in that joint. Halfway into the ride a seat opens up and I take it. The guy seated next to me starts a conversation. “You’re pretty. You on your way to school?” Me, “Thanks, no—on my way to work.” He looks surprised and then tells me I look young to be going to work. He said I look 15—I’m 26. The man seemed cool enough even though he was trying to holla and asked how many boyfriends I have—I said 30. He then asked me to guess his age but I let him know that I don’t play the guessing game, my mom taught me better than that. He pulled out his drivers license and it read 1945—69, he aged rather well himself. Now, there is one thing I’ve learned about the bus and its patrons, they may seem all well and dandy at first glance, but let me tell you everybody on that bus got some type of story, rant, quirk, or loose screw (yea, even me). So that’s why I wasn’t surprised when he went on a tirade about homosexuality and how all people of power are homosexuals and Michele Obama is a man, Barack in a woman, Oprah is a man, Spike Lee is a woman, Wendy Williams is a man (which honestly I’ll leave that one open for debate), and so on. He said it went back to Adam and Eve and these people of power were going to destroy the world. Their headquarters are located in Santa Monica—in a hotel near Overland and Colorado. Jessie Jackson frequents the place. Luckily that’s right around the corner from my job—I know where I’ll be on my lunch break. But here’s the kicker; the man’s a doctor—surprise!
There was this guy who worked at the Trader Joe’s down the street from my job. I thought he was cute. Whenever I would go there on my lunch break I would look to see if he was there and try to go stand in his line. I would even time my execution, counting the people in line and eyeing the number of groceries to make sure I made it in his line. Trader Joe’s has great service by-the-way so if a cashier sees you waiting they will quickly swoop you up into their line. So I caught myself acting like I was still shopping until his line freed up and I could make my move. Which is what I did. I had my little groceries, got myself all pumped up to get in line, noticed he was free, went to step in line right in front of his register and—drooled. I don’t even know. That never happened to me before, I normally get dry mouth but instead this time I drooled and I honestly think some drops hit the floor but anyway I made a quick u-turn out that line and tried to recover in the wine section near by. Went back and he was gone. Walked to another register, checked out, left Trader Joes, and said to myself, “I am Swaggerless.”